Bordeaux 2016 Primeurs: Margaux
“Please be aware, Monsieur, that there will be a cleaning charge should the vehicle be dirty when it is returned” hissed the woman manning the desk of the TinyCar rental company (slogan: Small Cars for Small Wallets and Smaller Minds) at Bordeaux Airport. To illustrate her point, she passed her hand over the counter top, in the manner of someone preparing for a magic trick showing you there is nothing up their sleeves. A cleaning charge? I leaned forward, to focus on the laminated document that was taped to the counter, and to understand as best as I could her mysterious sibilation.
There before me, in picture format, was the truth laid bare. My hire car, which had seemed like a great deal when I booked it online, came with a hidden charge. At least they had the decency to explain it in helpful picture format, for stupid foreigners such as myself. Picture #1: a car in mint, concourse condition, with spotless paint, crystal-clear glass and crumb-free carpets. Not even cars fresh from the factory look like this. No cleaning charge. Picture #2: a car with a light application of dusty dirt, and which still looked cleaner than most cars I have ever driven. Indeed, I have handed over cash for cars that looked in worse condition than this. A few squashed insects on the windscreen, maybe a subtle hint of bird-related graffiti here and there. Inside, a few dusty footprints (in the footwell, not on the ceiling or anything like that). To be frank, I thought this was how a hire car was supposed to look when you handed it back after the primeurs, if only to cover up the extra scratches acquired during the course of a week’s backing in and out of temporary car parks. Cleaning charge; €20. Picture #3: a car that had obviously been rented by Pete the Pig Farmer who used it to transport all fifteen of his hogs to market, before then using the funds raised to enter the vehicle into the Paris-Dakar Rally, after which it had seemingly been parked up in a festering bog for a few weeks. It was a level of grime, inside and out, I have never in my life experienced (although there were still no footprints on the ceiling). Cleaning charge; €149.
I smiled at the uniformed official and sibilated in return. “D’accord”. This is one of the most frequently used of all my stock French words and phrases, others including “une baguette s’il vous plait”, “l’addition s’il vous plait” and “l’assemblage s’il vous plait”.
